Time flies when you're having fun. Make the most out of life, be miserable.

"The boxcar midnight train, destination bangor maine"

2006-07-29T04:52:38Z

dear friends, nobody is allowed to say anything mean to me about Cory under penalty of quick death. effective immediately. in fact, try to avoid him in conversation.

I work again tomorrow. the working never ends.until I quit tomorrow of course.

I'm writing things for various friends, some of you will get to see some won't. I finished something for Sam, so if you wanna see it you can.

I kinda wanna watch brokeback mountain and eat kettle corn

deusexbeginning @ 2006-06-07T02:02:00

2006-06-07T06:08:51Z

I'm getting better at the photoshopping.

deusexbeginning @ 2006-06-01T03:27:00

2006-06-01T07:33:12Z

I'm taking a break from lj for a while for personal reasons. I might come back with a new name later.

See ya'll soon.

deusexbeginning @ 2006-05-30T06:59:00

2006-05-30T11:10:16Z

I am shamelessly addicted to this video.

I mean, I'd heard the song before...but I'd never seen the video.

Why do I like it? Because apparantly they're all straight. And I just watch it and go....hahahahahah no they aren't.

Plus, dancing on a plane? how badass is that? like...it's a little badass I think.

ETA: This is the cutest ever.

Brad I haven't forgotten your present

2006-05-29T02:34:44Z

These last weeks are catching up to me. I sleep about 13 hours a day. more sad things blah blah blah. Kat got cited for Scott's accident.

When I'm around Martin I feel less and less like hanging out with other people. Which is a bad thing probably.

Everyone should check out my friend's page and look at Marty's informative vaginal post.

Last night I had several weird dreams/nighttmares. One or two about Scott. At least one about Marty.

And one where I got laid!

whatsa alma matter

2006-05-26T04:35:12Z

For Comic Relief: Evan: 06!!! (what our black class president says ) Me: You can't do that, you're not black Evan: Dad! Curtis says I'm not black! This is the worst day ever. Dad: No, you're not black. You're Mexican. Evan: YAY! Now when I'm old enough for my licence I can park on the grass. And I'll pretend I don't understand you when you're speaking and I'll go get a crappy job. On a Serious Note: I graduated tonight. Murrillo's speech actually made me cry. And that's saying a lot because I don't cry easily (despite what you may think, and despite that I've been crying a lot lately...my natural instinct to sad things is much less appropriate). He's the first person who has talked about Scott that I've agreed with. He left out G-d or any "this was how it was meant to be" nonsense and just put it how it was. I graduated 10th in my class which means I got a lot of special attention and awards and goodies. It also means I sat next to the empty seat and watched his sisters walk as the rest of us held down our hats. This past week I've been to his house, his grave, his church, his classes, his accident site, and I guess this is the last place we get to say goodbye to him. The last place it really stares us in the face. His family has an empty place at the dinner table. His family has no more children in highschool. Murrillo put it best. Life is unfair. Life is unpredictable. Life is pulchritudinous. On a happy note: My brother made sure he would be off work in time to see me graduate. So did my dad, he paid a lady 75 dollars to watch his class. On a sad note: Mrs. Alley is retiring apparantly. I wish I could have had certain people there to watch me graduate and eat dinner with my family. I could really use a kiss. Actually, that is Murrillo quoting Scott. The last one.

Smile Like You Mean It (played on piano)

2006-05-21T00:47:03Z

Today was the funeral/reception. If you weren't there, use your imagination. If you were there, you know. I got home at 3:45. At 4 I started my first day of work at Atlanta. It's been quite a day.

deusexbeginning @ 2006-05-17T01:26:00

2006-05-17T05:38:37Z

A very good friend of mine, a guy I've known 7 years, died in a car accident tonight.
Everything is crazy. I don't understand. Oh my god. He deserved it less than anyone I can think of, he was the nicest guy in the world. And smart, and funny, and attractive. I was talking about working with him right before he got in the car. We were leaving a Top Ten in the Class dinner. He was on the way to senior awards. He said he could get me a job with him, I said I'd like that. I was one of the last to see him alive. He was my first friend in Florida, in sixth grade. This shouldn't have happened to him.

Oh my God.

Scott, I miss you already.

speaking of postsecret....

2006-05-15T00:54:03Z

They both make me uncomfortable to read, therefore they must be good.

Speaking of uncomfortable to read , I was in a bad mood today so I drove around and tried to cheer myself up and eventually I ended up with my notebook in the bookstore writing this weird play thing about a pedophile and his best friend. Originally I wanted to try and hammer out part of my novel, but I just diverged completely. I'll post it later, it shall make..Marty..laugh...and..maybe...like...another of you.

you will leave this post slightly more informed.

2006-05-13T11:55:10Z

This explains a lot. Apparantly if the British have someting in their teeth they go at it with whatever is closest at hand. Jackhammer, cellphone, daughter, w/e

Apparantly Ava is the 9th most popular girl name for baby's born this year. Which befuddles me, absolutely befuddles. I don't even know any Ava's. My mom was an Avon lady. The name of the robot in Zone of the Enders is Eva. The Avian Flu has high entertainment value. But never heard Ava before. bizarre.

Speaking of names, here's the top ten for boys:
Jacob, Michael, Joshua, Matthew, Ethan, Andrew, Daniel, Anthony, Christopher and Joseph.

Wait, hold on.

Jacob, Michael,Joshua, Matthew, Ethan, Andrew, Daniel, Anthony, Christopher and Joseph.

What a sad statement on this country that 7 out of 10 of the most popular names for boys are all "LOOK AT ME I BELIEVE IN G-D" names.
"This is my son Exodus, my other son Revelations, oh and this is my daughter SinnersWillBurnInTheFieryRiversOfHell, it was either that or Susan but we think SinnersWillBurnInTheFieryRiversOfHell really gets the point of our children across"

I spent the morning going through cnn.com , in case it wasn't obvious.

I don't understand Autism Awareness. They're barely aware of themselves.

If you don't know about Darfur, shame on you.

Why do I have such a problem with most women? Honestly, it's something I've been wondering a lot lately. I mean, men have been a lot worse to me in life than women, but I find myself annoyed to a point of disgust by most. None of youse on my friend list obviously. But why are you gals exceptions? What sets the small group aside? Hmm, odd.

I think that I view men as encasing the traits of both genders, so much so that females are almost an extra gender in my mind. I find male vocalists better, I respect men more in the same positons and accomplishments, I prefer male actors and chracters, I think that stories are more powerful or moving when told about men or for men.

Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe I'm missinterpreting my own thoughts.

Please, no one take offense. I don't mean to say I hate women, and I don't like exclude them from my life (obviously).

Basically what I wonder about is, the huge stereotype is that gays love powerful women and having hags and such but really I just don't.

I can't stand to think of him touching you.
That's something I could say to many people right now, and mean many different things. All true.

deusexbeginning @ 2006-05-09T21:35:00

2006-05-10T01:42:39Z

I had such a kickass dream last night.
In order to get to the next level all I had to do was enter this room, so I did and a foot tripped me, and then this little girl in a white dress followed me through a house as I tried to beat her to death but she just kept coming and managed to kill me. There was this city underground where you are only safe inside at night. And there were large rooms that drove on bridges over the highway, and you could drive up into the rooms like garages and get the cars needed to fight the threat.
yeah. obviously I don't remember everything.

Bruise Season
The first package I didn’t
understand, bruise colored
beads packed tight,
with instructions to roll
gently twice daily.

The second contained
two marble
colored geese,
preserved in salt and
soaked in mint
jelly to help with
the smell. Then,

over the next
few weeks others arrived, tinsel
and walnuts, deer tracks
stenciled onto papier
-mâché ornaments,
an axe head covered
in pine sap, and a pair of
sunglasses with
clips on the
temple hinges.

This morning
I dug out the
letter you’d first sent
asking how I liked Florida and
I remember telling you
“It’s nice but I
miss the winters” and how
you called and said you’d send it
to me, winter, next time
it came around.

So I thought about writing to say
you know I miss you too, more
but I knew that was your point,
your perfect cruelty to show me
what you consider
too great to give.

if it sounds jouvenile in some parts, it is supposed to. Not quite done. I'm not sure. Here we go.

2006-05-09T21:26:33Z

Cory’s Last Love Poem
I know I’m in no position
to decide this, BUT
I’m convinced
God’s made a few mistakes
in all this business.
Panthers, for instance, probably were meant to
have wings (think how much more
effective they’d be); without exception, all
waterfalls should conceal an entrance, to
a cave, lair, treasure, etc; And,
most importantly,
you should have been a color
and not a friend, a lover,
so that I could watch you straddle
a cloud every morning as the
rainbow bubbles up and breaks
over the world like a net of
catfish cut loose.
so the dead would turn into you &
not the other way around,
and so fathers could point at insects
& spiders
and say to their sons,
“Look at that stripe of Cory
around the belly, that’s
nature’s way of telling us
it’s beautiful.”
& a little bit of you would
be on the lips of everyone
else I’ll have to kiss,
faint
but enough.
Oh,
you’d be completely
socially unacceptable for
mourning &
you’d be used in pregnancy tests,
natural to
let people know
something wonderful
will move inside of them.
You’d match sea-glass greens & slap-print reds, the color
of chalk on children’s hands, the sound of wind
blown against necks or wind on hurricane afternoons,
blown glass & freshly cut jack-o-lanterns,
waterfalls breaking in front of hidden gold,
panther sleep, panthers stretching
their new wings,
and anything else that brings me joy.
& when I see
you on other people
it wouldn’t matter
because I could have
you laid out in
fading streaks through my hair
and have you surround me
on my vests, shoes, jackets;
and on my back
LOVE & REGRET &
ABANDONMENT
could be
tattooed in Cory
brilliant and warm.

(now pay attention because
this is the important part)

I could always have you
with me,
instead of feeling
you pull away like
a stitch writhing
free from that
kind of scar
which fades
into
you,

uneventfully.

deusexbeginning @ 2006-05-06T22:22:00

2006-05-07T02:26:59Z

The guy at the gay store asked if I was old enough to go into his restricted section and I said nope I was 17 but he said gay boys were mature so he suggested I go check it out and there were many many dildos and it made my day.

what's new mcgoo

2006-05-06T09:40:02Z

-I didn't win pathfinders
-fye doesn't except people below 18
-I applied to a million jobs
-I've been kicking ap ass
-Martin comes home sunday
-I miss you. I miss the time we sat on your parents bed and looked at pictures and I wanted to hug/kiss you so bad.
-I've only got 4 more days of school
-Lauren is in town and we hung out twice yesterday
-She Wants Revenge makes me happy
-turns out it isn't quite stalking legally so I was free to go
-richard Brautigan is good
-I went to therapy/my psychiatrist/a poetry reading all in one afternoon but I didn't read any poetry because I wasn't quite done but I did get to watch people enter the mental hospital from my doctor's window so that's always a plus.
I told a man I liked his stuff. He asked if I wanted to buy his book. I said no. Not that much.
a little girl was reading a book about tigers and she walked over because I was reading and asked what I was reading and I told her I was reading about tigers too because it was true, in In Watermelon Sugar tigers eat the main character's parents and have beautiful voices.
-the girl who beat me in pathfinders is going to UPENN so I can breka her legs
- I hosted my last GSA meeting and during "the gayest thing that heppened all week" I removed my pants to reveal sequin glitter pants that Lauren supplied. it was quite nice. + feather scarf thing +homo hat

always + homo hat, always

This will be the last time...

2006-05-05T00:36:38Z

deusexbeginning @ 2006-05-01T22:38:00

2006-05-02T02:47:09Z

so today everyone decided to call me and wake me up like a pack of bastards. over and over and over.

I picked out a book today and my dad said, "Oh I read that when I was your age. I wonder what he looks like now"
"Dad, he's dead. He shot himself"

and it was true.

deusexbeginning @ 2006-04-29T23:38:00

2006-04-30T03:59:59Z

Today I worked for seven hours straight and then I went to City Place to hang out with Zach and watch Hard Candy which is the greatest thing since sliced Saw.

I told the lady at the music store I'd like something good .
She gave me Guster.
I like it. So good job lady. Good job.

I almost asked a guy for a ciggarette the other day. not sure why. not sure why I'm writing it haha.

I love days like these. I feel like I've just got a shit load of happiness to pass around. It's 12:00, do you know where your sadness is?

and the copious amounts of blood and the copious amounts of blood and the copious amounts of blood and the copious amounts of blood and the copious amounts of blood and the copious amounts of blood and the copious amounts of blood and the copious amounts of blood and the copious amounts of blood

some kind of update is in order.

2006-04-27T21:33:48Z

I had a lot of people do Day of Silence (staying silent all day to raise gay rights awareness) this year, which was a real good feeling. If it wasn't for my actions in the past, probably none of them would be...and there was around 40 people doing it. Woo, I'm a rainbow catalyst.

Walking into class the jocks always give me a big "hey Curtis!". That always cheers me up.

A: It's about a man warning his son against a creature that only talks in nonsense.
P: Women?

I'm having horrible realistic dreams lately, so I can never tell what is real even when I wake up. I thought my toilet had overflowed all day. I woke up this morning and looked to see how a zit was doing that didn't exist. Dreaming about life sucks.

I've been spending a lot of money on doctor appointments I don't need.

As the school year hits an end I'm working in overdrive, I hate every teacher assigning a review packet the week before AP exams. Except Alley, how could you stay mad at that face? awww

I hate awkwardness too, why can't more people be socially adept?

I'm preparing for Cinco De Mustachio, but I can't grow anything. : (

I was supposed to get happy meals and bring them to psych class and write "un" infront of happy but I woke up too late.

"So, like...does a douche work like thos little cocktail umbrellas?"

Minimalism Blogging:
I stressed

spekaing of weird coincidences...

2006-04-25T20:39:26Z

I heard the phrase Starlight Zone three seperate times today. What are the odds?

deusexbeginning @ 2006-04-25T15:33:00

2006-04-25T19:37:24Z

This is for anyone who knows Cory's last name. Too weird.

deusexbeginning @ 2006-04-23T22:20:00

2006-04-24T03:03:18Z

Sylvia Plath waited it out with her head in the oven.
Hemmingway tried to swallow a shotgun.
Brautigan used a .44 magnum.
Vachel Lindsay swallowed cleaner.
Hart Crane was swallowed. Well, drowned.
Teasdale drowned too, but I dare say... her's was much calmer.
Virginia Woolf also drowned, I guess it has a poetic appeal.
Sexton did it slow through Carbon Monoxide. I wonder what she thought about.
John Berryman jumped off a bridge. His dad used a gun.
Esenin. Slash slash slash swing swing swing.
* * **** ** ******* ******** ** *** ***** ** ****** ******.
** **** *** ***** * *** *** ** *** *** ****** ** * ****.

** ********, ******** ***** *******

EDIT: I had an entry of my real journal up, changed my mind.
I'm keeping the part of about the writer's deaths in case you are curious.

bored doodling because I'm so freaking excited to see this movie

2006-04-22T17:22:53Z

digital cornucopia

2006-04-22T04:41:26Z

***1***

Writhe
I don’t come to you with plans,
with games, anymore.

and
I don’t come to make a profit,
only barter.

I’ll give you the space around my
ribs, just below the shoulders, you
can give me your arms.

I don’t, can’t, come to you with anything
but urges. This is a day. This is the goal.

I can’t come to you with anything
but dead skin and warming fog
beneath it.

I can’t come to you without
losing my hand-eye-heart
coordination.

no
I can’t come to you
anymore.

-----------------------------------------
***2***

When Granted My Three Wishes

1) A change in possessions: thick boots (metallic?) and a bat (also metallic?)

2) A change in surroundings: a deep film of broken glass, everywhere

3) A change in company: every boy I’ve ever kissed, crawling toward me, slowly

-------------------------------
***3***

Cider Sweat

It’s bad luck to fall in love
at a time like this,
because he could ask:
OK, how can I change you?
and I’d say:
any way you damn please
and hope his blade
is sterile.

----------------------------
***4***

The Fishermen
Not too far up the river
is a waterfall where the
prettiest ones go to try and
end their lives; clicking along
the edge before embracing the
dramatic plunge. They glide softly,
gentle
like colored
clouds, like
Koy ghosts
crawling toward
the river’s mouth,
and men craving flesh
wait knee-deep in water,
waist deep in filth,
knowing those
who’ve succeeded won’t
fight back, and those
who haven’t
won’t either.

---------------------------------------------------
***5***

I Could Really Use One Of Your Good Days
don’t try to qualify it.

don’t stress your words
or whisper them. Don’t wait for a
return or affirmation. Don’t
dramatize, underplay,
or repeat yourself, please.

don’t try and understand it,
or question how true you’re being
or if it’s coming too early or blunt or in
the right place for these things.
don’t give it too much thought at all.

or hesitate.

don’t use it as a bargaining chip, as a bribe,
to launch a conversation, an action. Or, for
God’s sake, end one.

just say it,
like you’re commenting
on the weather.
Because, in
a sense,
you are.

------------------------------
***6***

A Troubling Thought When I Get Up To Piss In The Night
when
looking back
on old homes,
we always fill
the rooms with
moments that glow & trickle
together into hardened preserves
of simple happiness,
but we never give any
thought to the hallways.
So, please, dine with me
between the
kitchen & bedroom,
because I want no
part of this place
untouched by our love-memory
when that is the only
part I have left.

deusexbeginning @ 2006-04-20T18:36:00

2006-04-20T22:42:48Z

I was at school until 6 pm. Ouch.
I just made a bunch of recent entries private. Odd mood.
I always want to read people's private entries.

I saw a mime tell a dirty joke the other day, it was great.

Yesterday was very very very very very very good for many reasons.

I'm back in the same predicament I was in a few days ago.

"Keeping friends" has two very different meanings.

happy pesach

2006-04-19T01:18:30Z

When Across Your Stark Pink And The Sheets I Notice The Date,
For The Boy I Made Into My Seder
A typical Passover Seder plate contains a bitter herb, a bitter vegetable, a hardboiled egg, charoset (a mixture of wine, fruit, and nuts), Karpas (a vegetable), and a shankbone (which vegetarians often replace with beets)

The bitter herb is your
coin-down-the-well laugh,
saved for when I stare
without grinning.

The bitter vegetable is in your
singing voice, which I won’t hear
tonight,
but
the bitter vegetable is optional. The Karpas you keep
inside your mouth; dip once, twice to remember tears.

the shank bone is
between your legs,
crude but true, and it’s many places more. Just
look at the way your collar bone meets skin,
erupting in bruise, pulling
like circus tent rigging. And down
your body, the way you’ve
exposed your blueprint
for me. I could pick any, because,
after all, the bone represents sacrifice.

The charoset is only between your legs,
and the egg , between your ribs,
which sets loose some strange beast each time
it breaks, laying the next and suffocating
in a shadowed corner of meat.

Oh
And the wine,
always the wine, the wine, the wine
staining the light around your jaws.